I run circles in my mind,
a million miles of open grass or darkest valleys,
and jet black, like the shiny blue-cast fur on an unlucky cat.
seething, my eyes drip the ugliness brimming inside
tearing, ripping to shreds all I cannot stand
about what I’ve become as the world waves to me,
it passes by me idly I’m on a train watching the flashes and disconnects
the countryside flicks through my vision before I get a chance to tell them
my story, my anything, my heart… my heart, my heart, my heart.
I’m in the crowded station
wearing glittering, neon clothing but no one can see me,
in all my garish pain.
but then I’m laying open wide,
and suddenly all the thoughts I sent away into dusty corners and behind couches
and all the curses and doubts I disbanded to roam places I’d never know again,
free to wreak their hellish havoc on others,
but no, not me, not me, not me…
I’m laying open wide and they’re all pouring out and climbing back in,
all the ones I cast off of my soul are wedging into me again
sliding between my organs and I feel so full of their space-less weight,
their death-red hate,
I cannot breathe, i cannot breathe, i cannot breathe, i cannot…
and the ones I’d never set free, for they were too doubted
far, too weak to sail the world for they’d be found,
I am not ready to let you fly you secrets,
I thought I’d never tell oh don’t betray me now not now not now not now…
I’m laying open wide as all of the people
I’ve ever laid eyes on in my sixteen years fall into long lines,
the walls of crowds around my panic-frozen form
and they coax each naïve little secret
into their cupped, greedy fingers pick up each newborn secret read them aloud
their eyes as they stare into me;
they burn. They burn they burn they burn.
I run circles in my mind
I’m growing tired of running.